The only sitcom I love as much as Will & Grace. 

Roz: [About her new job at a rival radio station] My boss already hit on me, I work days and nights, and my new assistant is an idiot but I can't fire her because she's like three minorities rolled into one.

Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.

[Niles comes out of the bathroom and sees his dad and Frasier crying]
Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: [Tearfully] I made my dad cry!
Martin: [Emotionally] I can't pick out a gift for my son!
Nile: [Joining in, louder than them] No one's coming to my party!

Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: [surprised] Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

[Niles learns that Frasier and Roz slept together two years ago]
Nile: [Stunned] Well I suppose it's only natural, after the wolf and the lamb work together so long the wolf is bound to get his way... [Pause] I hope you were gentle with him.

[repeated line]
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.

Daphne: I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side.
[Looking at the napkin Niles is holding]
Daphne: Is that a little swan you just made?
Niles: No, it was a B-52.

[Repeated line]
Frasier: I'm listening.

Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude Moon: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip.
[Later, when Frasier, Niles, and Martin are driving home]
Martin: "I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the laundry basket AND my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said!

[Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles' childhood]
Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore.
[Looks closely]
Martin: What the heck is this, anyway?
Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from AIDA. Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris, and... [laughs]  Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again...

Bulldog: [Repeated line] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL BS! THIS IS...

Frasier: [responding to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

Frasier: Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species.

[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier: ... go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light cigarette]
Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe: [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!

[On Frasier and Niles]
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them! [laughs]

Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!

Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?

Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
[Eddie runs off]
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice. He knows I mean business.
Frasier: I see, so you're saying your voice is more commanding than mine.
Martin: Hell, I took half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!

Martin: [recording his memoirs into a camcorder held by Niles] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground... Pretty scary, huh?
[throws his head back and laughs evilly]
Niles: [lowering camcorder] Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do.
[Niles resumes filming]
Martin: Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
[pretends to choke and die]
Niles: [wearily turns camcorder round to film himself] Future generations, see what I had to put up with?

[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?

[Low-pitched humming]
Frasier: ...Are your pants humming?
Niles: That's my... testicular hypo-thermia device.
[Doorbell rings]
Frasier: Oh dear...
Niles: No, no, that wasn't me, that was--
Frasier: I know, I know that!

[Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetimes supply of muffins]
Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins! [pause] My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins. 

Niles: Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um... Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Now listen, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known.
[turns around]
Frasier: Bebe, darling, how are you?

Frasier [To Niles] I see you're still waiting on that spine donor!

Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

Niles: Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... [excusing] have my therapy group meeting... and last time I was late the, er, compulsive
gamblers were betting the passive/aggressors that they couldn't make the overeaters... cry.

Niles: [glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality.
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: Well, not to worry. If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself. [laughs] 

Niles: I have to go. I'm conducting a seminar in multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags.

Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae-Kwan-Do instructor tells me I'm two moves away from being quite threateing.

[Niles has been carrying around a sack of flour in order to simulate having a real baby, just like a highschool student]
Niles: It is not as careless as you make it seem, a real child would have cried before bursting into flames.

Frasier: [Reading the back of Nile's 'Flour Child']  "Bleached, 100% fat free and keep in an airtight container." I think this one is going to take after it's mother.

Niles: I dreamt last night that someone stole my sack of flour and started sending me muffins in the mail.

Frasier: I don't have time for your insanity Niles, I have to steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient!

Niles: [Explaining why they were late] We were on our way out, when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and--
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: ...I did.

Niles: Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut.

Niles: How much have you done?
Lilith: I'm just about finished defrosting.
Niles: What about the turkey?

Niles: I think I've figured it out - Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the apocalypse!

Gil: I'm Chingachgook, the last of the Mohicans
Martin: Oh, well.... that little mystery solved

Martin: Leave it to the Germans - even their ovens crave power!

Martin: Let's see - one of my sons just got picked up by a guy, my other son is jealous about it. Yep - life is good.

Mrs. Moon: When you're ready to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me!
[Mrs. Moon leaves]
Frasier: That we do: on your fiery throne presiding over the damned!

Frasier: Would we sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we would freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a yes or no?

Frasier: Time is irrelevent here in the seventh circle of Hell.

Frasier: For the next few days you're going to hear some nasty stories and snide remarks about your old man.
Frederick: Mom's coming?

Frasier: Then Gil and Noel sang a charming duet of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". They were both wrong.

[Roz is talking about how she and Frasier slept together, but Frasier thinks she's talking about his refusal to pay for parking.]
Frasier: I hear Roz has informed you of my exploits. Needless to say, it wasn't my finest hour. Luckily I had my brother with me for moral support and, let's face it, someone to talk to. You know, it's amazing how long 10 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. After a while a line started to form behind me... but at least I got out of there without paying the two dollars!

Niles: I'm just sitting here, drinking this--[Looking at the bottle] ...oh my god, it's just labelled 'wine'!

Frasier: [About Daphne] She's psychic... we've decided to find it charming.

Niles: [About to tell Frasier of his male station manager's romantic intentions] Dad wanted to tell you, but I won the coin toss.

Niles: [About Maris] I was her first bad boy.

Martin [As Niles and Frasier discuss the preferred clientele of their new restaurant] Why don't you just put snipers on the roof to shoot people as they try to get in?

Roz: Even the best birth control is only 99% effective. I can't keep beating those odds.

Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box! 

Roz: I've never had an agent. It's not like she worships the Devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to! He worships her!

Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here! Back me up, give him some sound brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed! You've shamelessly manipulated not only me, but this station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle! What do you have to say for yourself?!
[Bebe looks up with her familiar confident grin.]
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes - bitch!

Bebe: [sarcastic] Happy hunting. If things don't work out, you know my number.
Frasier: [walking out door] Still 666, is it?!

Bebe: [evil laugh] Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried. [pause] Usually, that's just a metaphor.

Bebe: Why not? All he needs is someone to suck up to him, laugh at his jokes, pretend to listen to his stories. I'm his agent, for God's sakes, that's what I do! 

[Frasier is trying to set his new station manager up with Daphe. Unaware that the station manager is gay, everything Frasier says sounds like a come-on.]

Niles: [About to tell Frasier of his male station manager's romantic intentions] Dad wanted to tell you, but I won the coin toss.

Frasier: Niles, you realize what this means?!
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss. 

Tom: You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.
Frasier: Well... I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.

Frasier: It never even occurred to me that you might be gay.
Tom: It never even occurred to me that you might be straight!


[Niles is pretending to be Martin's lover]
Frasier: Oh please Niles, if you don't do this I'll be so humilated!
Niles: You're humilated? They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane.

Martin: Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: Damn you and your jealous questions! You don't own me!
Martin: Niles! I was only asking!
Niles: You're always asking - badgering, spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore! I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over!! And I'm keeping the jewelry.

Frasier: [Talking about his new attorney lover with a glassy look in his eyes] She said "Murderers often show no remorse for their actions because they have no moral center."... Well, it was cute when she said it!

Niles: When I said goodnight to Maris, I was met with a frosty silence. So naturally I thought everything was status quo.

Frasier: [Advertising a sponsor on his radio show] "Pet Paradise: When a shoebox is not enough."

Frasier: [Calmly] Our mother named us after rodents.

Frasier: I stole, Niles! Like some craven thief. And I've never felt more alive

[Niles gets a chance to do his own radio program]
Martin: [To Frasier] When am I gonna hear one of my sons on the radio?
Frasier: [Pauses for a moment, and then] I'M ON THE RADIO EVERY DAY!!!

Frasier: Maybe we should go to a restaurant where you don't need a reservation.
[Niles slaps Frasier]

[Roz and Frasier are in the studio and Frasier is so flustered that he makea made a bargain with God that -- if He would spare Niles from his heart attack -- he would never again argue with Niles.]
Roz: Well, do you honestly think that God would....
Frasier: Oh, lord, Roz. Have you READ the Old Testament!? He's God! He can be ruthless!

[Niles is hosting a party]
Guest: I'm allergic to shellfish! A good host would know that!
Niles: [Seriously] Sorry, next time iIll try to cater for your shellfish needs.

Daphne: Don't mention anything about todays boxing match, your father hasn't seen it yet.
Niles: I didn't even know it was boxing season.

Fraiser: So Niles, how did you know that this man was insane?
Niles: 'Well on the outside he seemed very charming yet halfway throughout our conversation; he took of his trousers and tried to put them on a cat...

Frasier: I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.

Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition!

Frasier: I DO NOT HAVE A FAT FACE!
Niles: Oh please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for the winter.

Frasier: What's the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all evening.
Niles: Quite right. To impossible standards!

Daphne: You burnt down the garage [as children]?
Niles: Well, with Frasier and his bunsen burner, and me and my mosquito repellant, in retrospect it was unavoidable.

Frasier: The man talks endlessly on subjects that are of no interest to anyone but him.
Niles: Gee. I can't imagine what that's like.

Frasier: That would be the hatchback.
Niles: There's a novel idea - name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a tossup between that and "What's that
odour coming from the floor?"

Frasier: I remember your fourth birthday party, when Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and you made all those children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
Niles: I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat.

Niles: Frasier, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half-tempted to hand over my lunch money.
Frasier: And is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

[Daphne tosses Niles a banana, he fumbles it, drops it, falls setting off Martin's service revolver that was on the table. There's a hole in one of Frasier's chairs, a broken vase, and a bullet hole over the fire place.]
Niles: It's not my fault, I had a banana thrown at me!
Daphne: To you! I threw it to you. And you ought to be able to catch a banana!
Niles: We are NOT having this conversation again.

Boy in toy store: "The Living Brain"? What kind of a geek wants a toy like that?"
Frasier: The kind of geek who will be removing your prostate one day.

[The ultra-WASP Cranes are pretending to be Jewish to impress the mother of Frasier's love interest:]
Frasier; I remember my bar mitzvah with the rabbi, the cantor, the moyel.
Mrs. Moskowitz; [Puzzled] "The one who performed your circumcision?"
Frasier:...Well, I wanted to show him there were no hard feelings.

Frasier: Just to be clear, you haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
Roz: God, no. Weren't you there?

[As a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.

Niles: Um, I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?

Frasier: Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
Niles: You have an idea?
Frasier: No, I'm asking if there's actually a light bulb over my head.

[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

[Martin is using duct tape to repair his chair]
Frasier: Dear god. Can't you see it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: Fras, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in a hospital bed and you're slipping the nurse a twenty...

[Niles is filling in for Frasier on his radio show]
Linda: [A caller] Now we're at the point where all lines of communication are broken. I feel like he's not even listening to me.
Niles: Linda...
Linda: Do you know what that's like, not to be listened to?
Niles: Linda
Linda: This whole thing has gotten out of hand I was hoping you would speak to him directly.
Niles: Linda?
Linda: So you'll talk to him? Great. I'm putting him on the line right now...
Nile: Murray, you're dealing with your problems in a very self-destructive manner. Nothing will be solved by refusing to eat
Murray: [Meows]
Linda: Oh my god, it's worked! He's eating! What did you say to him?
Nile: Well I'd like to tell you but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality.

[After someone exclaims how Niles must be so excited to be filling in for Frasier]
Nile: [Dryly] Yes, well, 'Dear Diary.'

[Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table]
Roz: So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you?
[Niles reacts]
Roz: I can always tell.
[looks at Frasier]
Roz: Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody.

[Cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

[Maris is ringing a handbell to get Niles to wait on her]
Niles: I don't really have to respond to that. That's just a little joke between us.
[A whistle blares]
Niles: [Rushing up the stairs] O-KAY, that means business.

Frasier: [on the phone with his son] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.

[Eddie (the dog) stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

 Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
Bulldog: You know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers, phutt. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
[holds up chocolate bar]
Bulldog: Want a bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.

Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
[pause]
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: [laughs]

Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago.
[starts to chuckle, then]
Niles: Nope, still can't laugh about it.

[Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?

Frasier: Thank God there's starch in your shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!