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Though it'd be useful to have them here, for everyone it applies to. Note: The following text is a transcription of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution in their original form. These amendments were ratified December 15, 1791, and form what is known as the "Bill of Rights."
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.
Used with Permission of the National Constitution Center.
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Proof that Hell is Cold
Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
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The only sitcom I love as much as Will & Grace. Roz: [About her new job at a rival radio station] My boss already hit on me, I work days and nights, and my new assistant is an idiot but I can't fire her because she's like three minorities rolled into one.
Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.
[Niles comes out of the bathroom and sees his dad and Frasier crying]
Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: [Tearfully] I made my dad cry!
Martin: [Emotionally] I can't pick out a gift for my son!
Nile: [Joining in, louder than them] No one's coming to my party!
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: [surprised] Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call. [Niles learns that Frasier and Roz slept together two years ago]
Nile: [Stunned] Well I suppose it's only natural, after the wolf and the lamb work together so long the wolf is bound to get his way... [Pause] I hope you were gentle with him. [repeated line]
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
Daphne: I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side.
[Looking at the napkin Niles is holding]
Daphne: Is that a little swan you just made?
Niles: No, it was a B-52. [Repeated line]
Frasier: I'm listening.
Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude Moon: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip.
[Later, when Frasier, Niles, and Martin are driving home]
Martin: "I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the laundry basket AND my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said! [Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles' childhood]
Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore.
[Looks closely]
Martin: What the heck is this, anyway?
Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from AIDA. Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris, and... [laughs] Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again...
Bulldog: [Repeated line] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL BS! THIS IS...
Frasier: [responding to a caller] Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Frasier: Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species. [Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier: ... go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light cigarette]
Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe: [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear]
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!
[On Frasier and Niles]
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them! [laughs]
Roz: Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh wait, that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
[Frasier goes to Niles's table]
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: "Well," what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: No, you didn't!
Niles: I did so! I distinctly remember. It was after that shouting match at the Monet exhibit. I had my secretary leave a heartfelt apology with your service.
Frasier: So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn!
Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
[Eddie runs off]
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice. He knows I mean business.
Frasier: I see, so you're saying your voice is more commanding than mine.
Martin: Hell, I took half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!
Martin: [recording his memoirs into a camcorder held by Niles] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground... Pretty scary, huh?
[throws his head back and laughs evilly]
Niles: [lowering camcorder] Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do.
[Niles resumes filming]
Martin: Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
[pretends to choke and die]
Niles: [wearily turns camcorder round to film himself] Future generations, see what I had to put up with? [correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter? [Low-pitched humming]
Frasier: ...Are your pants humming?
Niles: That's my... testicular hypo-thermia device.
[Doorbell rings]
Frasier: Oh dear...
Niles: No, no, that wasn't me, that was--
Frasier: I know, I know that! [Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetimes supply of muffins]
Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins! [pause] My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.
Niles: Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um... Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Now listen, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known.
[turns around]
Frasier: Bebe, darling, how are you? Frasier [To Niles] I see you're still waiting on that spine donor!
Frasier: I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
Niles: Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... [excusing] have my therapy group meeting... and last time I was late the, er, compulsive
gamblers were betting the passive/aggressors that they couldn't make the overeaters... cry. Niles: [glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality.
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: Well, not to worry. If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself. [laughs] Niles: I have to go. I'm conducting a seminar in multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the nametags. Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae-Kwan-Do instructor tells me I'm two moves away from being quite threateing. [Niles has been carrying around a sack of flour in order to simulate having a real baby, just like a highschool student]
Niles: It is not as careless as you make it seem, a real child would have cried before bursting into flames.
Frasier: [Reading the back of Nile's 'Flour Child'] "Bleached, 100% fat free and keep in an airtight container." I think this one is going to take after it's mother.
Niles: I dreamt last night that someone stole my sack of flour and started sending me muffins in the mail. Frasier: I don't have time for your insanity Niles, I have to steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient! Niles: [Explaining why they were late] We were on our way out, when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and--
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: ...I did. Niles: Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut. Niles: How much have you done?
Lilith: I'm just about finished defrosting.
Niles: What about the turkey?
Niles: I think I've figured it out - Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the apocalypse! Gil: I'm Chingachgook, the last of the Mohicans
Martin: Oh, well.... that little mystery solved Martin: Leave it to the Germans - even their ovens crave power! Martin: Let's see - one of my sons just got picked up by a guy, my other son is jealous about it. Yep - life is good. Mrs. Moon: When you're ready to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me!
[Mrs. Moon leaves]
Frasier: That we do: on your fiery throne presiding over the damned!
Frasier: Would we sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we would freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a yes or no? Frasier: Time is irrelevent here in the seventh circle of Hell.
Frasier: For the next few days you're going to hear some nasty stories and snide remarks about your old man.
Frederick: Mom's coming? Frasier: Then Gil and Noel sang a charming duet of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". They were both wrong. [Roz is talking about how she and Frasier slept together, but Frasier thinks she's talking about his refusal to pay for parking.]
Frasier: I hear Roz has informed you of my exploits. Needless to say, it wasn't my finest hour. Luckily I had my brother with me for moral support and, let's face it, someone to talk to. You know, it's amazing how long 10 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. After a while a line started to form behind me... but at least I got out of there without paying the two dollars! Niles: I'm just sitting here, drinking this--[Looking at the bottle] ...oh my god, it's just labelled 'wine'! Frasier: [About Daphne] She's psychic... we've decided to find it charming.
Niles: [About to tell Frasier of his male station manager's romantic intentions] Dad wanted to tell you, but I won the coin toss. Niles: [About Maris] I was her first bad boy. Martin [As Niles and Frasier discuss the preferred clientele of their new restaurant] Why don't you just put snipers on the roof to shoot people as they try to get in? Roz: Even the best birth control is only 99% effective. I can't keep beating those odds.
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!
Roz: I've never had an agent. It's not like she worships the Devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to! He worships her! Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here! Back me up, give him some sound brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far. Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed! You've shamelessly manipulated not only me, but this station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle! What do you have to say for yourself?!
[Bebe looks up with her familiar confident grin.]
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side? Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes - bitch! Bebe: [sarcastic] Happy hunting. If things don't work out, you know my number.
Frasier: [walking out door] Still 666, is it?! Bebe: [evil laugh] Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried. [pause] Usually, that's just a metaphor. Bebe: Why not? All he needs is someone to suck up to him, laugh at his jokes, pretend to listen to his stories. I'm his agent, for God's sakes, that's what I do!
[Frasier is trying to set his new station manager up with Daphe. Unaware that the station manager is gay, everything Frasier says sounds like a come-on.]
Niles: [About to tell Frasier of his male station manager's romantic intentions] Dad wanted to tell you, but I won the coin toss. Frasier: Niles, you realize what this means?!
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss.
Tom: You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.
Frasier: Well... I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too. Frasier: It never even occurred to me that you might be gay.
Tom: It never even occurred to me that you might be straight!
[Niles is pretending to be Martin's lover]
Frasier: Oh please Niles, if you don't do this I'll be so humilated!
Niles: You're humilated? They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane.
Martin: Oh, and who's Mel?
Niles: Damn you and your jealous questions! You don't own me!
Martin: Niles! I was only asking!
Niles: You're always asking - badgering, spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore! I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over!! And I'm keeping the jewelry.
Frasier: [Talking about his new attorney lover with a glassy look in his eyes] She said "Murderers often show no remorse for their actions because they have no moral center."... Well, it was cute when she said it!
Niles: When I said goodnight to Maris, I was met with a frosty silence. So naturally I thought everything was status quo. Frasier: [Advertising a sponsor on his radio show] "Pet Paradise: When a shoebox is not enough." Frasier: [Calmly] Our mother named us after rodents. Frasier: I stole, Niles! Like some craven thief. And I've never felt more alive [Niles gets a chance to do his own radio program]
Martin: [To Frasier] When am I gonna hear one of my sons on the radio?
Frasier: [Pauses for a moment, and then] I'M ON THE RADIO EVERY DAY!!! Frasier: Maybe we should go to a restaurant where you don't need a reservation.
[Niles slaps Frasier] [Roz and Frasier are in the studio and Frasier is so flustered that he makea made a bargain with God that -- if He would spare Niles from his heart attack -- he would never again argue with Niles.]
Roz: Well, do you honestly think that God would....
Frasier: Oh, lord, Roz. Have you READ the Old Testament!? He's God! He can be ruthless! [Niles is hosting a party]
Guest: I'm allergic to shellfish! A good host would know that!
Niles: [Seriously] Sorry, next time iIll try to cater for your shellfish needs. Daphne: Don't mention anything about todays boxing match, your father hasn't seen it yet.
Niles: I didn't even know it was boxing season. Fraiser: So Niles, how did you know that this man was insane?
Niles: 'Well on the outside he seemed very charming yet halfway throughout our conversation; he took of his trousers and tried to put them on a cat...
Frasier: I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now. Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition! Frasier: I DO NOT HAVE A FAT FACE!
Niles: Oh please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for the winter. Frasier: What's the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all evening.
Niles: Quite right. To impossible standards! Daphne: You burnt down the garage [as children]?
Niles: Well, with Frasier and his bunsen burner, and me and my mosquito repellant, in retrospect it was unavoidable. Frasier: The man talks endlessly on subjects that are of no interest to anyone but him.
Niles: Gee. I can't imagine what that's like. Frasier: That would be the hatchback.
Niles: There's a novel idea - name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a tossup between that and "What's that
odour coming from the floor?" Frasier: I remember your fourth birthday party, when Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and you made all those children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
Niles: I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat. Niles: Frasier, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half-tempted to hand over my lunch money.
Frasier: And is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.
[Daphne tosses Niles a banana, he fumbles it, drops it, falls setting off Martin's service revolver that was on the table. There's a hole in one of Frasier's chairs, a broken vase, and a bullet hole over the fire place.]
Niles: It's not my fault, I had a banana thrown at me!
Daphne: To you! I threw it to you. And you ought to be able to catch a banana!
Niles: We are NOT having this conversation again.
Boy in toy store: "The Living Brain"? What kind of a geek wants a toy like that?"
Frasier: The kind of geek who will be removing your prostate one day. [The ultra-WASP Cranes are pretending to be Jewish to impress the mother of Frasier's love interest:]
Frasier; I remember my bar mitzvah with the rabbi, the cantor, the moyel.
Mrs. Moskowitz; [Puzzled] "The one who performed your circumcision?"
Frasier:...Well, I wanted to show him there were no hard feelings. Frasier: Just to be clear, you haven't been pining over me since we slept together?
Roz: God, no. Weren't you there? [As a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another. Niles: Um, I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?
Frasier: Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
Niles: You have an idea?
Frasier: No, I'm asking if there's actually a light bulb over my head. [Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven. [Martin is using duct tape to repair his chair]
Frasier: Dear god. Can't you see it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: Fras, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in a hospital bed and you're slipping the nurse a twenty...
[Niles is filling in for Frasier on his radio show]
Linda: [A caller] Now we're at the point where all lines of communication are broken. I feel like he's not even listening to me.
Niles: Linda...
Linda: Do you know what that's like, not to be listened to?
Niles: Linda
Linda: This whole thing has gotten out of hand I was hoping you would speak to him directly.
Niles: Linda?
Linda: So you'll talk to him? Great. I'm putting him on the line right now...
Nile: Murray, you're dealing with your problems in a very self-destructive manner. Nothing will be solved by refusing to eat
Murray: [Meows]
Linda: Oh my god, it's worked! He's eating! What did you say to him?
Nile: Well I'd like to tell you but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality.
[After someone exclaims how Niles must be so excited to be filling in for Frasier]
Nile: [Dryly] Yes, well, 'Dear Diary.' [Roz sits at Frasier and Niles's table]
Roz: So, Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you?
[Niles reacts]
Roz: I can always tell.
[looks at Frasier]
Roz: Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. [Cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne. [Maris is ringing a handbell to get Niles to wait on her]
Niles: I don't really have to respond to that. That's just a little joke between us.
[A whistle blares]
Niles: [Rushing up the stairs] O-KAY, that means business.
Frasier: [on the phone with his son] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. [Eddie (the dog) stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up. Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
Bulldog: You know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers, phutt. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
[holds up chocolate bar]
Bulldog: Want a bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.
Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
[pause]
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: [laughs]
Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago.
[starts to chuckle, then]
Niles: Nope, still can't laugh about it. [Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment? Frasier: Thank God there's starch in your shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!
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[Grace visits Stan in prison]
Will: [as Hannibal Lecter] Stay away from the glass, Clarice.
Grace: Stop it, you promised you wouldn't do that!
Will: I lied. Fsssssss.
Jack: Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.
Will: I don't hate Andy, I like Andy.
Grace: Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance.
Will: Have you been swinging from powerlines?
Ben Doucette: Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference?
Karen: Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick, so you're asking the wrong gal.
Alex: [on the phone] Come on Will, tell the truth, you're actually a married man with wife and kids with no intention to ever see me again.
Will: Nothing could be more far away from the truth.
Grace: [entering and yelling] Good Morning sweetie. Oh my God, is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you.
[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will: Val? What are you doing?
Val: Oh, nothing, just a little something to the security camera. A little gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack: Shut up! I do the same thing.
Will: I hate to disappoint you both, but that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.
Grace: Fine, I don't need to go out with you guys. I have a kick ass night planned.
Will: OK, ant traps are under the sink.
Grace: Thanks.
Stranger at the Gay Parade: You see, your drag name is the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on.
Karen: So mine would be uh... ShuShu Fontanna.
[they all laugh]
Karen: That's hysterical. Jackie what's yours?
Jack: [upset] Glen 125th.
[Grace is asking Will to help her choose a dress]
Grace: This one's slitty... this one's slutty... this one's titty... this one's butty.
[Will goes to see a psychic]
Psychic Sue: I see a man in your life. You're going to spend the rest of your life with this man.
Will: Ok, ok, tell me more.
Psychic Sue: His name starts with a "J". Like Jake... no Jack.
[Will looks sick]
Psychic Sue: Do you know anyone named Jack?
Will: [looks ready to cry] No...
Owen: You don't have any proof.
Jack: I have photos.
Owen: There's no film in that camera.
Jack: Of course there is.
[He rips the film out of the camera]
Jack: See? Like I'd be stupid enough not to put film in my own camera.
[Will is wearing an Abercrombie like shirt]
Karen: Oh, Will, there was someone in the elevator asking for you. Oh, yes, it was your youth it wants its shirt back.
Jack: Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
Grace: No, he is not laughing at you. He is laughing with me, who is laughing at you.
[Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knocks on the door]
Jack: Maybe it's not Paul.
Paul: Hi, it's Paul.
Jack: Maybe it's a different Paul.
Paul: Paul Bailey.
Jack: Maybe he forgot about the dog.
Paul: I'm here for the dog.
Jack: Maybe he's over you.
Paul: Oh, I've missed you.
Jack: Well, my work here is done.
[after someone asks Will what his name is]
Will: I'm Truman. Will Truman. And I really didn't mean to say that in a Bond. James Bond kind of way.
Will: When you saw Kevin Spacey you tried to get back those nine bucks you paid for "K-Pax". I believe your exact words were: "hey Spacey, pay it forward."
Karen: She's getting too big for her boots.
Rosario: Someone should punch her in the neck.
Karen: Hey. that isn't very ladylike
Rosario: With an open fist.
Karen: That's my girl.
Grace: So, he didn't tell you and he didn't tell me. That means it's something he doesn't want us to know.
Jack: Yeah, good work Nancy Drew.
Grace: I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know?
Jack: No... do you know?
Karen: I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.
Jack: It's time to put the "sex" back in "homosexual," Will.
[about newly gay man Barry]
Jack: Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nurture them, make them beautiful. We have to Gay It Forward.
Will: How long have you been sitting on that one?
Jack: Since the movie came out.
Karen: [looks at Grace's outfit, stares for a while] Honey... we've discussed this blouse...
Karen: [entering Will and Grace's apartment, panicked] Help me. Hide me. She's after me.
Will: Wh-what's the matter, does your stepdaughter want a hug?
Grace: Maybe you should talk to your shrink about this.
Karen: [scoffs] My shrink? Honey, I just go to my shrink for refills.
Leo: You're right, I am an adult...
Karen: ...er-er.
[Grace introduces Karen to her intern]
Grace: Let me move you over here, in the unlikely event that she unhinges her jaw and swallows you whole.
Will: You don't need to lose to have fun. You're not France.
Will: Their last party was so wild. All I remember is making out with some guy in a hot tub.
Jack: Me too.
[Long pause]
Will: I really don't really remember that...
Jack: Me neither.
Lorraine: You're a fancy dresser. Are you English?
Will: Oh no, I'm gay.
Lorraine: Well, its the same thing.
Will: If that weren't true, I'd find that offensive.
Nathan: I'm Nathan, Grace's new boyfriend.
Jack: That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe from you...
Cher: Don't talk to me about rejection, okay? Look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I LOST the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Jack: But you WON the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Cher: And don't you forget it.
[Cher sings]
Jack: STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher: Well, someone's gotta pay for these costumes and dancing fairies.
Cher: [to Jack during his dream] Follow your bliss jack...
Jack: [grabs one of Cher's dancers] My bliss is this way.
Karen: [to Will] Oh honey, I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it.
Barry: I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't know what to wear for our second homosexual date.
Will: Oh, traditionally, whatever's hanging on your homosexual chair in your homosexual bedroom.
Jack: So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet?
Karen: Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me - which the filthy pig did - no hard feelings - may he rot in hell - I love him to pieces - the fat turd. And I get half of everything.
Grace: [on the phone] Yes. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday. I told you I would be back today. And now you're telling me you're all out? Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili.
[Slams down the phone]
Jack: Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam: I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.
Jack: [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails.
Will: Yeah, what's that about, Pipi?
Grace: You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.
[about Jack's father]
Jack: He was the source of all my talent.
Will: But Jack... you don't have any talent.
Jack: [jumpy] Why isn't there any coffee?
Karen: The same reason you don't have a wife and three kids honey... It's the way god wants it. '
Mrs. Markus: Don't worry, Grace, Marvin will fill you in on everything.
Grace: Who's Marvin?
Leo: I'm Marvin.
Grace: Your name is Marvin?
Leo: Yeah, but people have always called me 'Leo' because... my name is Marvin.
Jack: [answering the phone] Yeah?
[pause]
Jack: Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can't wait to tell my friends.
[hangs up and runs to the door]
Jack: I'll see you guys later.
[Leo has to tell everyone to go home]
Dr. Leo Markus: Okay, everyone... look, you're not gonna like what you're about to hear...
[Grace comes in, singing]
Will: Well, to be fair, he DID say we weren't gonna like what we were about to hear.
Karen: The only other person I've apologized to is my mother and that was court ordered.
[on top of a building just before Grace's wedding]
Grace: We have been up here before, remember?
Will: No, that building was across the street from that juice store.
Grace: Paradise Juice. See right where that parking lot is.
Will: They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
Grace: Oh my god. Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
[Val has stolen Grace's music box, which plays "Hava Nagila", and claimed it is hers]
Will: How long have you had it?
Val: Oh, for, like, forever.
Will: Oh, what's it play?
Val: This old Irish song that I love.
Will: Sweet. Can I hear it?
Val: Sure.
[opens the music box, singing along]
Val: Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes...
Grace: [shrieking] It's 'Hava Nagila'! It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish!
Karen: Honey, my mother wants to do something for herself and that gives me a beautiful feeling.
Grace: So do the little blue pills you take every fifteen minutes from the bottle labeled "Beautiful Feeling!"
[Jack and Karen meet Bebe Neuwirth at a cafe]
Karen: Say something as Lillith. We hate your real voice.
Bebe Neuwirth: I will if you will.
[Jack is participating in a gay spelling bee, cutting from another scene]
Jack: - O-W, J-O-B. 'Eyebrow job.'
[later]
Jack: D-I-R-R-R-T-Y. Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrrty'?
[later]
Jack: - H-I-S. 'Mom, I don't know how to tell you this.'
Judge: [later] The word is... 'GQ.'
Jack: Did you say GQ?
Judge: Congratulations. You've made it to the final round.
Will: That's your captain? That's your limo driver.
Karen: Oh, drive a boat, drive a car, drive a plane, as long as I'm drunk, what's the difference?
[Jack kisses Rosario]
Karen: Oh, Good Lord. You know you shouldn't look, but there is a certain morbid fascination.
Karen: [to Grace] Oh honey, I love you like the mother I had committed.
Dr. Leo Markus: Grace, I have to go to Guatamala to help out some doctors down there.
Grace: You're going back to Africa?
Dr. Leo Markus: Yes. And while I'm there I'm gonna buy you an atlas.
[to Karen]
Grace: Put the catalog down... you have everything in it.
[On Lorraine]
Jack: We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.
[about Grace's designing of Harlin's apartment]
Will: Grace, that was completely offensive. I could tell by the expression on his face that he was offended.
Grace: You know, the only expression that Harlin's face was saying was "Hey, I'm Harlin's face."
Grace: You said that money is no object.
Karen: Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'.
Grace: [to Jack] Today I'm handing out lollipops and ass-whoopins and right now, I'm all out of lollipops.
Karen: Oh yeah, real rough day for you. Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex-husband is trying to screw me over. I gave that man the drunkest years of my life.
Will: Stop saying that here. Stop saying that to the judge.
[about Rosario]
Jack: How dare you suggest our marriage is a sham.
INS Agent: Uh, you're gay.
Jack: What? A guy sleeps with guys and he's immediately pegged as gay?
Karen: Grace, remember that afternoon and we were walking down 5th Avenue and you saw that ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me, "I would give anything to buy that ring"?
Grace: Yeah?
Karen: I bought it for myself.
Will: Ahh Jack. Cute as a button, but not quite as smart.
Will: Why are they in a tent?
Karen: Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack: What? Why him? He's hideous!
Jack: [to Will:] No you're not.
Jack: [to Karen:] He's revolting!
Jack: [to Will:] That's not true.
Jack: [to Karen:] He's disgusting!
Karen: Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there.
Will: What am I, a sausage?
Karen: How about a toast...
Karen, Jack: To Will and Grace's baby.
Will: I can't believe you told her.
Grace: I can't believe you told him.
Will: He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace: She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen: Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack: ...I'm sorry, what?
Will: You don't take relationship advice from Karen. You get advice on, I don't know, what wine goes with mood stabilizers.
Will: It's so weird how your eggs have an expiration date. They're just like... eggs.
Will: Karen once told me that Christmas celebrates the birth of our Lord Cartier.
[about Will]
Grace: Oh, my God, he's on drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me. Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
Jack: You know what else he wouldn't tell us. If he's sick. What if he needs a kidney. Oh, God, he needs a kidney. Not that I'd give him one, but I'd like to be asked.
[Grace sees Nathan passed out with Will and Jack on a bed]
Grace: Oh my God. I turned another one.
[Will, Jack, Grace, and Rosario are placing a bet at the hospital]
Will: No, we're not being gross. Besides, it's either this or 15 hours of reading Highlights magazine. I mean, really, how many times can you find a toaster in a tree?
Grace: I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs.
Will: Well, that's because it happens so infrequently, I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing.
[Jack is going to work for Grace until Karen returns]
Will: Oh, you girls are going to have a ball, braiding each other's hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz.
Jack: Oh, you mean, like, "How To Tell If Your Best Friend's a Bitch?" Yeah, I already took it. You are.
[Grace has to get her blood drawn by a very young nurse]
Grace: Whoa, whoa, her? Isn't there someone who's a little more... experienced? Someone who didn't drive in on a Big Wheel?
Nurse Trainee Pittman: Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over, but I'm all, "This is hard."
[Jack and Grace are cooking]
Jack: This looks hard.
Grace: Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac.
[pause]
Grace: It's *really* hard.
Rosario: It's Mr. Stan. He's dead.
[everyone is stunned]
Leo: [entering] Hey, hey, I got off work early, picked up a couple of sixes. I found a 20 on the street - damn, it's good to be alive... What?
Bobbi Adler: I listen.
Grace: You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.
Bobbi Adler: Then what do you want me to do?
Grace: I don't want you to fix me up. But I want you to want to fix me up. I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.
[Grace and Will are arguing about their lifestyles]
Will: You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us.
Grace: Well, you're about as gay as Tom Selleck in In and Out.
Will: I am plenty gay.
Grace: When was the last time you had same sex sex?
Will: I'm choosy.
Grace: Oh, you're straight, go watch a basketball game.
[Thanks to Karen, Jack says he just lost the gay spelling bee]
Jack: Well, well, well. Look who it is. Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?
Karen: It's only smaller when it's scared.
Leo: Are you jealous about them?
Grace: No, I'm not jealous. And I'll tell you why I'm jealous. Because I am *not* jealous.
Leo: You're not making any sense.
Grace: Oh, so suddenly you're the president of things that make sense?
Will: [to Jack] Oh my God, it's finally happened. You've gotten so gay that you looped around to straight again.
Jack: But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.
[Karen is on the phone with Rosario]
Karen: Rosario, take the kids to the toy store. El toy-o store-o.
[Will walks in]
Karen: Will, I'm glad you're here! How do you say toy store in Spanish?
Will: Tienda de jugetes.
Karen: F.A.O. Schwartz-o. Hola! [Hangs up]
Jack: So, going on a date with you lover?
Will: He's not my lover. He's my mother's denist's bridge partner's son, which makes me... a loser.
Jack: Wait a minute... Yeah, that's what I get too.
Will: [on Grace] She's crazy. And just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage.
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My mom, sister, and I drove done to the nearest Dairy Queen. We're sitting in the parking lot, devouring our cones (that is, my sister and my mom devoured their cones. I am, depending on the day, the World's Slowest or Fastest eater, and right now I was, er, ''savoring" the rare icecream cone.) We were talking about how my sister met her boyfriend, Kyle, when she was 17 and he was 20. Then we were saying how that seemed like a big age difference.
Me: But you know what's really weird? Having a kid, then waiting eight years and having your other kid.
Mom: [I was referring to her] What's so weird about that?
Me: So your kids have an eight-year age difference.
Mom: Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I just had Kim, and then I started working, and then I just kind of forgot about you..
Kim: [Laughing in the background]
Mom:... Then she got into kindergarten and I kind of remembered..
Kim: But you still waited two years after that. Oh... yeah, you had that miscarriage...
Mom: Yes. And then Brittney was conceived almost immediately after that.
Now, I actually looked it up once, and it seems as though I were conceived on my mom's birthday. So I was trying to avoid her getting further into depth on that note, but it was too late:
Kim and Mom: [Cracking up now] You were "created", mom was the stork, dad was Johnny Appleseed, har har, etc.
I got the references but I still, for reasons I'll never understand, said: "What?"
Kim said, "Nothing, we were just..."
"Being kinky." My mother finished.
Being kinky. Two words you never want to hear your mom utter.
My school sucks.
I mean, it's a good program, but, and I never thought I'd say this, it's a little 'too liberal.' The teachers are realy spacy, I'm pretty sure I could score some weed off them if I asked. And you're allowed to chew gum (GOOD!!!) and answer calls on your cell phone in class. Anyway, it's out in the middle of nowhere and consists of four portables--buildings A, B, C, and D. Each building has two sections (at least) with computers, teacher offiices, and, er, teaching room. The layout of our school and the neighboring schools in the program looks like this:
 Anyway, I was trying to find a teacher and didn't know where she was. No one I asked was able to help me. So I just drifted back from building to building and eventually ran into Brandon, who was with his friends. Our conversation wasn't very funny but it was delivered in three seconds flat, which apparently is the amount of time needed for me to get 'up to date' on my 'friends.' Brandon: Hey, what're you doing? Me: Looking for Mrs. Wickline. Brandon's friend: Hey, it's you. Me: [ Blankly[ Who're you? Brandon's friend: I don't know. Me: Oh. Brandon: See you. [ With my Educational Coordinator, Reed. I love him. He's like Dr. House only he has a pierced ear, was raised by hippies, and doesn't own a TV. Smart as hell, too.] Reed: Hi Brittney, your mom stopped by earlier dropping off that copy of the transcript. I need you to do something for me. All A's, huh? Since apparently getting A's in college courses are no problem for you... Me: What do you need? Reed: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry for trying to make polite small-talk. Here: I need the fucking original transcript. Okay? Is that better? Is that more to-the-point? [ With Reed again] Me: Brandon said you flipped him off the other day. Reed: I would never do something like that. Reed: Are drugs allowed? Me: No. Reed: Alchohol? Me: No. Reed: Gangs? Me: No. Reed: What's PDA? Me: Public Displays of Affection. Reed: Is it allowed? Me: No. Reed: You can go. [ At a conference] Reed: Did you dye your hair? Mom: You sound like Brandon. He's always commenting on how Brittney looks. Reed: [ Glaring at her for comparing him to Brandon]
Me: That was better than anything I could've possibly planned. Reed: I know, you'll be handing her a $20 when you get out of here. "Thanks, Mom!" Reed: You wanna go to Spain? Me: No. Reed: Okay. Reed: I'm glad you've been joking around with me more now. Before I used to think I was almost driving you to tears. Now you're doing that to me. Reed: You're the only student that makes my stomach hurt before and after our meetings.
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I'd take a bullet for this man.
Jon Stewart: Ahh, Earth Day: the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Jon Stewart: I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
Jon Stewart: I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart: [Hosting the Academy Awards] I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay. Jon Stewart: [Hosting the Academy Awards] I feel your scorn and I accept it. Jon Stewart: I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. Jon Stewart: I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. Jon Stewart: If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. Jon Stewart: Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Jon Stewart: McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. Jon Stewart: More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. Jon Stewart: The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. Jon Stewart: There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is. Jon Stewart: You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. Jon Stewart: [On Mark Andre Kremlin's performance of Chopin's Etude in C Major, Grammy Awards, Feb 21, 2001] 'Cause we all know D flat would suck. Jon Stewart: Me, I'm 38 and could very much bare my midriff, but it may make some people nauseous. Jon Stewart: [On being one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People, Movie Talk Interview, July 1999] All that stuff is very silly. I was in high school . . . one of the 50 most beautiful people in my German club. So I was used to that kind of attention. There was me, Klaus, Günther -- that was about it. Just the three of us. Small school. No one liked German Club. Jon Stewart: [Comparing himself to Howard Stern] I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media." Jon Stewart: [On hosting 'The Daily Show'] Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long. Jon Stewart: [On hosting 'The Daily Show'] News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on "Family Ties." I'm not afraid of that. Jon Stewart: [In response to question, "[W]ho would you want to sleep with, date, or even marry?" Cosmopolitan, January 1999.] Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I guess I'd want to marry Tom Cruise, because he's much more responsible. I think Leo would play around on me. And I could never trust him on a cruise ship, obviously. You know me, I wouldn't go out with these guys unless I was going to sleep with them. I mean, if I'm putting up dinner and a movie for Leo, he'd damn well better put out. Jon Stewart: I have a lot of hostility. Jon Stewart: When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot... very thirsty..." Jon Stewart: I know more about Bill Clinton's penis now than I do my own, which says something about the media or just something really sad about me. Jon Stewart: [On politics, "Politically Incorrect"] They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, "pick up the ball!" That's what you're thinking. Jon Stewart: [On plastic surgery] I would like to be taller. Or perhaps get my breasts enlarged. Jon Stewart: Martha Stewart was really nice. I told her she was 'honored' in my book, then I said, `Bye!' and ran off. Jon Stewart: Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot. [Clip of Bush: "America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears."]
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for." Jon Stewart: President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's been doing. Jon Stewart: The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner. Jon Stewart: I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her. Jon Stewart: [Hosting the Academy Awards] Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces. Jon Stewart: [On Hollywood] A lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome, a modern-day, beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah, a moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed... I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that.
Jon Stewart: [On the giant Oscar statue in the Kodak Theater, likening it to the statue of Saddam Hussein pulled down after the fall of Baghdad in 2003] Do you think that if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood? Jon Stewart: [On the heart attack Harry Whittington, Dick Cheney's shooting victim, suffered] Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad. Jon Stewart: Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." Jon Stewart: Moms and dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: don't let your kids go hunting with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- he'll shoot them in the face." Jon Stewart: [On Bill O'Reilly's objection to the phrase 'Happy Holidays'] Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have shit to do. Jon Stewart: [On President Bush's vacation] He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong. Jon Stewart: Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube. Jon Stewart: Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y. Jon Stewart: Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe.
[Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.']
Ohhh good advice? What did you learn from your European partners?
[Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.']
Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one? Jon Stewart: President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago.
[Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.']
Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we-have-no-idea-what-we-are-doing. Jon Stewart: This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power. Jon Stewart: Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria. Jon Stewart: Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office. Jon Stewart: Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for — the official halfway point of the Bush presidency.
President Bush: I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear...
Stewart: At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore. Jon Stewart: [On his controversial "Crossfire" interview] What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my ass cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened. Jon Stewart: They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven? Jon Stewart: It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this? Jon Stewart: [On President Bush] It's as if a guy drove us into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.' Jon Stewart: [Endorsing Sen. John Kerry, sort of] On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired. Jon Stewart: [On his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"] They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.' Tucker Carlson: You know, you're a lot funnier on your show.
Jon Stewart: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show. Jon Stewart: [To Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"] What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably. Jon Stewart: [After President Bush touted a poll showing that the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than in America] Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans are about ours? I don't think that helps you. Jon Stewart: [On the GOP convention] Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down! Jon Stewart: [On the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who have attacked Kerry's military service record] When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the Red Baron. Jon Stewart: Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering... [He is handed a piece of paper] Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats. Jon Stewart: Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family. Jon Stewart: (Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first. Jon Stewart: Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore. Jon Stewart: The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history. Jon Stewart: [On media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death] I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that. Jon Stewart: GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis. Jon Stewart: The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy. Jon Stewart: After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call every parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.' Jon Stewart: If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting — a far more high-tech, error-prone system. Jon Stewart: Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response. Jon Stewart: If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close. Jon Stewart: Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies: 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible. Jon Stewart: [On Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage] Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding. Jon Stewart: Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter. Jon Stewart: If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why.
(Bush:) 'I'm a war president.'
Jon Stewart: He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.' Jon Stewart: In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in. Jon Stewart: [On the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary] When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed. Jon Stewart: Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing. Jon Stewart: Paul O'Neill was a permanent member of the National Security Council -- meaning he was able to provide author Ron Suskind with thousands of important documents that included evidence that from day one of this administration, Bush was out to get Saddam Hussein and that he told his cabinet early on, 'Go find me a way to do this.' To which the Pentagon responded, 'How 'bout bombs?' Jon Stewart: O'Neill also provided Suskind with several damming pre-9/11 memos including one entitled 'Foreign Suitors For Iraqi Oil Field Contracts' and another entitled 'Military Plan For Post-Saddam Iraq.' Said a Bush Administration official — 'So that's where the military plan for post-Saddam Iraq went! Can you fax that?' Jon Stewart: President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth. Jon Stewart: Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway. Jon Stewart: Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay. Jon Stewart: I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' Jon Stewart: If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. Jon Stewart: [President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader. Jon Stewart: Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go. Jon Stewart: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?' Jon Stewart: In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole. Jon Stewart: Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. Jon Stewart: President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader. Jon Stewart: Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped. Jon Stewart: Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. Jon Stewart: Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? Jon Stewart: The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons. Jon Stewart: We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. Jon Stewart: Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. Jon Stewart: The two candidates were said to have spent the evening pouring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was pouring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because quote, 'I don't want to finish my juice.' Jon Stewart: The George W. Bush era begins. Ralph Nader says, 'Stop looking at me like that.' George W. Bush: [Video overlay] I was not elected to serve one party.
Jon Stewart: You were not elected.
GWB: I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation.
Jon Stewart: We're way ahead of you. Jon Stewart: I'd not had a regular TV gig in three years. I realized when I was on Sanders that the ability to comment in sort of a timely fashion is terribly important to me, and while I still comment on it, I usually do it in my living room, and you begin to think of yourself as perhaps that creepy, bitter guy who sits on his couch and says, `Can you believe this!? Jon Stewart: I play the guy who gives the scientific explanation in every sci-fi movie [so] you know pretty much I'll get killed almost immediately. It's like being a black guy in an outer-space movie Jon Stewart: [When asked about the film, which hadn't opened at the time of this interview, he was shushed by a Miramax representative not to give away the plot -- or his character's fate. Stewart acquiesed, but gave a hint] Let's just say this: full-frontal nudity.
Jon Stewart: [On his father's worst physical feature] Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!' Jon Stewart: [On his favorite school teacher] I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'" Jon Stewart: My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, `I can't complain.' Jon Stewart: I'll watch NYPD Blue, whatever. But I find the news, for me, I watch it like a program. I can't wait to find out what's happening with my favorite characters. Like, 'Oh, I'm so sorry they dropped Saddam Hussein from the show. Oh, they're bringing him back!' Jon Stewart: [on signing the contact for his show] I signed up for what? I thought I was just ordering cable. Jon Stewart: [To a girl who threw a frisbee on stage] Let me get this straight. You chuck a frisbee at my head, I fetch it for you, and in order to have the right, the honor, to give it back to you, I have to sign it? Okay, sounds reasonable enough. Jon Stewart: Everyone just needs to get over themselves. Jon Stewart: I never felt I had the right idea. I'd say to the networks, 'Imagine Mary Tyler Moore with a penis.' And they would, and I couldn't get their attention back. Jon Stewart: Although, it remains the longest-running, late-night nightly syndicated talk show hosted by a white man. And I cling to that distinction, my friend! Jon Stewart: I go out on weekends. I try not to have any personal time whatsoever. I try to make it so I'm never sitting in a hotel room saying [thoughtfully] 'Who am I'? I try to constantly stay out on the road, then you never have to face yourself. [scary voice] You hear me? Make this a dark article. Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The most important television program... ever.
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We're getting a helicopter... soon.
Announcer: Need a hug? Then call now for free tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And good luck with that hug.
Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts?
Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with.
Jon Stewart: [to audience] I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me. This is terrible.
Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show.
Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin.
Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that.
Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
Jon Stewert: Both parties in an advisory role!? I think they already have something like that, I think it's called Congress!
[President Bush introduces a woman who makes "child videos in her basement."]
Jon Stewert: I believe the phrase that would normally follow would be "arrest her."
[On President Bush]
Jon Stewert: You know what, I'm sorry... he's right... everyone deserves a seventh chance. Jon: [Imitating Bush after Bush mused that he wants to 'approach the sensitive topic of corn and beans'] "Now I know it's sensitive... but I wanna talk corn and beans!" You are playing with fire, my friend! Jon: I don't really want to work in this town again. [Jon Stewart asks correspondent Stephen Colbert, ostensibly reporting live from the U.S. victory in Baghdad, Iraq, about the rebuilding process]
Stephen Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Stephen Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Stephen Colbert: Then no.
Jon Stewart: [on the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein] No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
Jon Stewart: [on U.S. involvement in Iraq] It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Erie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee: [uncertainly] Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes? [President Bush makes a speech about NASCAR promoting values]
Jon Stewart: Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. [on the capture of Sadam Hussein]
Jon Stewart: You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught. Stephen Colbert: Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you. A. Whitney Brown: Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown. Jon Stewart: Guy with chin-stud and... top-of-nose thing, I think I'll miss you most of all Jon: [Imitating President Bush] Lettuce is important! It's one of America's most important fixin's. It's an important partner in many sandwiches. In BLT it is charged with keeping the B from the T. It's a buffer fixin'.
[after the auience claps]
You know what? Don't encourage that. Jon: As those of you know, for the past few years the democratic party seemed a bit... "disorganized." "Incompetent, " one might say, "to find their own asses." Even when provided with two hands and a special 'ass-map.' Jon: So get ready and, uh, be sure to mark several of your calendars. Jon: Now if you'll excluse me I have to go clap my hands to keep tinkerbell alive.
[pause]
Did I say excluse me? I said excluse me. I said excluse me? I said excluse me, which I'm sure will show up on someone else's ironic meta-show about this show and I will be scorned by an audience of believers.
[A picture of Dick Cheney materializes in the left corner of the screen]
Jon: That's so weird, I just remembered how my first dog died. Jon: [On the music played for Dick Cheney's entrance in the annual AIPAC meeting] RUN, SEABISCUIT! RUN! Jon: I don't think that last question is any of our business. [After a guest explained a black hole]
Jon: ...What? Jon: All of this does beg the question: What the [bleep]? Why does this man have any clout at all? Most vice presidents don't get clout! Jon: This man is very very... un-good. The only thing I'd ask Dick Ceney for advice on is... if I had a dead hooker in my hotel room. 'Wah, don't worry. Wah, wah. Wah, don't worry. I know someone. This'll go away. Wah.' [After Jon's exposed a flaw in Dick Cheney's statements]
John Oliver: Ah, Jon, now do you see the "Logic Trap" you just got yourself into? Guest John Waters: [On his new television series, Till Death Do Us Part] But you can't get rid f the body, because they smell, and in America, they're fat.
Jon: Yes, certainly murder is fraught will all kinds of minor inconveniences like that. Jon: By the way, if Roger Aile's joke is what tipped you off that Fox News might have somewhat of a bias, Senator, then you either don't have cable, or you've died eight years ago... which, by the way, does not preclude you from serving in the US Congress.
Jon Stewart: You were supposed to be here last week, but you had to cancel.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you "How are you doing?"
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate. [Jon is interviewing Sandra Bollock on her new film Premonition]
Jon: So in this movie you're living the days out of order?
Sandra: Yes, yeah.
Jon: When I used to smoke pot...
Sandra: Yeah?
Jon: I used to have a very similar premise.
Sandra: As did we, every day, when we lit up..
Jon: Stop it!
Sandra: Sometimes you need a little..
Jon: No! You're a professional! And I refuse to believe that Hollywood would engage in that type of behavior. Jon: [Rambling on incoherently through his laughter] He called me up and I play the spring that shoots ice from his moustache...
Sandra: [After a momentary pause] You know what? When I used to smoke pot... Jon: My eyes sometimes make noise when I open them, too. Jon Stewart: What do those drugs do, Rob?
Rob Corddry: Ask your doctor.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, what do they do?
Rob Corddry: Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.
Jon Stewart: Over the past year, several infants have been forbidden to board planes because they shared their name with someone on a government no-fly list. Officials say confusion may stem from Madison being the most popular girl's name last year and number one for boys being Tariq Al Bin Muhammed.
Jon Stewart: Just a quick observation: When people do not want to play the blame game...[shouting] THEY'RE TO BLAME!
Jon Stewart: First fucker - Michael Brown, the director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, and intends to start the job any day now. Any day now.
[Steve Carell is being interviewed for "The Forty-Year-Old Virgin" - they sit in silence for several minutes, Steve staring straight ahead and Jon squirming and fidgeting. Finally:]
Jon Stewart: Do you have a report to file?
Steve Carrell: I don't file reports anymore, Jon. I do movies.
Jon Stewart: Oh.
[squirms uncomfortably]
Jon Stewart: Was I supposed to have some questions for you?
Steve Carrell: You may ask me anything you like, Jon. And I will answer it. If I feel like it.
Jon Stewart: Why did you leave us?
[Jon breaks down crying, and Steve comes over and hugs him]
Jon Stewart: [to John Kerry] One more thing, and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. Is it true that every time I buy a bottle of ketchup, your wife gets a nickel?
Jon Stewart: [after the show starts airing in Canada] We will start each program with the Canadian national anthem. [Singing] "Takin' care of business - every day!"
Jon Stewart: Bush followed his poll numbers and went south.
Jon Stewart: Yesterday they performed the first successful partial face transplant, on a 38-year-old who wished to remain anonymous. Although I have to say, it seems like a long way to go just to remain anonymous.
Samantha Bee: Oh, crap, I forgot Chanukah! Ooh! Chanukah's on the 7th. How could I forget the holiday that starts on a different day every year and commemorates a lamp not going out?
[After discussing Bill O'Reilly's one-year-out-of-date, presumably sarcastic "Merry Christmas, Jon Stewart!"]
Jon Stewart: You know what? It's okay, if Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right.
[holiday overlay frame fades in]
Jon Stewart: I'm your enemy, make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart... hate Christmas. Christians! Jews- morality. And I will not rest, until every year, families gather to spend December 25th together... at Osama's homobortionpot'n'commiejizzporium.
Jon Stewart: Yes, that's a *former Pentagon spokesperson*, explaining to a *reporter*, why *propaganda* may not be good.
Host: Name three words that best describe you.
Kathy Ireland: Ohhh!... ummm... uhhh...
Host: I think we can accept that!
Patrick Leahy: We pass a law that says it's against the law to murder someone in the United States.
Jon Stewart: [stuttering] We-we don't have that law? I'll be right back.
[Jon runs away, jumps out the door]
Jon Stewart: Ha, ha! Hobo! I got to find me a hobo!
Ed Helms: Jon, I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he's recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.
Jon Stewart: [on Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting victim Harry Whittington heart attack] I am downgrading the story from "incredibly hilarious" to "still funny but a little sad".
Jon Stewart: I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
Rob Corddry: Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face.He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face.
Jon Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird,
why would he still have shot him?
Rob Corddry: In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders
to be decisive. To not have shot Mr. Whitlington in the face would've
Jon Stewart: How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot someone in the face and have that guy say "my bad"?
President Bush: Americans do not have to choose between a strong economy and a clean environment.
Jon Stewart: You'll get neither and like it!
Jon Stewart: So basically, if you want to make sense of the Bush Administration's foreign policy, this is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who has admitted having an active nuclear program.
George W. Bush: If Iran's leaders reject our offer, it will result in action before the Security Council!
Jon Stewart: This is the tone we take with a country whose leader is openly hostile to the United States and who we think might have been trying to reconstitute a nuclear program.
George W. Bush: America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies.
Jon Stewart: And this is how we deal with a guy who we know has a nuclear weapon and a missle that could hit California.
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack: Hey, everybody.
Jon Stewart: "Hey, everybody! North Korea's going to launch a nuclear missile. Hey, Mom!"
[follwing a series of bizarre statements from the House's hearings on violent video games]
Jon Stewart: Seriously, the House of Representatives is filled with insane jackasses.
Jon Stewart: [Impersonating George W Bush] Just picture your loved ones dead. Just do it for me. Are you picturing it? Do you got it? All right, now go vote. Jon Stewert: Let's make this perfectly clear: the house oversight comitee established a waste and inefficiency tip line... and then another one. But no worry! No worry, no worry at all people, it's not a problem! It will all be cleared up at tomorrow's "Congressional Tip-line Oversight Meeting on Redundancy" Get-together. THERE WILL BE FOUR OF THEM!
Jon Stewert: What... could.. be... slowing us down?
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[Grace is wearing a neck brace after a minor injury.] Grace: Ugh, this itches...[Takes off the brace. Whining:] God, I shouldn't have done that, now I have to hold my head up by myself.
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: [ When Grace is wearing ruffles] Honey, am I drunk or did I just take a can of whip cream and go 'shhhhhhssshhhhshshhhhh'" --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. I have practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I got a killer rack - good morning!
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Love you like a cold sore! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, I don't look. I'm looked at. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Oh, and honey, did you really think you could get into Heaven wearing body glitter? Well, you can't. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [To Beverly Leslie] Well honey, maybe its best that you didn't show up. There were kids there and they get scared when they see something your size that isn't covred in Muppet fur! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [After Jack has used the intercom to convince Karen that a dead Stan was speaking to her from heaven] You knew heavenly voices speak to me every night and you took advantage of that! --------------------------------------------------- [Grace is recovering from a breakup with her boyfriend. She's crawled under her bed, mourning.] Will: [Leaving the room] Okay, I'm just going to take your tweezers with me, though. We don't want to repeat the 'If I can't have Daniel, I don't deserve eyebrows' episode from last time. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [Mourning her breakup, looking at slides.] And here I was at my fifth birthday party... look at that big goofy smile... [Yelling at the wall] STUPID UGLY CHILD! OPEN YOUR EYES! NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO LOVE YOU! --------------------------------------------------- [watching slides in her bedroom, depressed]
Grace: This was my puppy, BoBo. He got run over by a truck. Lucky bastard.
--------------------------------------------------- Will: Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food. Jack, Grace: [ To each other] He's talking about you. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [Trying to help her mother in a con. Looks at herself in a mirror.] Good, but not quite cheap enough... Grace, let me borrow your scarf.
Grace: Karen, this scarf is not cheap. Will gave it to me for my birthday... tell her, Will!
Will: Give her the scarf, Grace. --------------------------------------------------- Will: It's a shame that Julie Andrews doesn't sing anymore... --------------------------------------------------- [Jack is angry with Karen]
Karen: Hi, poodle.
Jack: Mm. How are you?
[to Grace]
Jack: Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?
Grace: [confused] His name is Martin Adler. --------------------------------------------------- Patti LuPone: [Looking for a dropped earring under Jack's seat. Looking up at Jack, grinning.] I'm sorry, my head was practically in your lap... [Seductively] So, did I get the part? --------------------------------------------------- [Jack is trying to ignore Broadway Diva Patti LuPone, who is seated at the table next to him] Waiter: And I was wondering... Patti LuPone: Oh, I understand. You want me to sing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'? Waiter: Well... it is my birthday... Patti LuPone: I'll just ask these two gentlemen if they'd mind, I wouldn't want to be rude. [Turns to Jack and Will] Excuse me.. yoo-hoo... Jack: [In one breath] SHUT UP PATTI LUPONE! SHUT YOUR MAGNIFICENT BRASSY TRAP! Patti LuPone: [Withdraws, looking up at the waiter dramatically] People either love me... or they hate me. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [After yelling a Rosario] Jackie, let me give you a few base rules here at Chez Walker, you might want to sit down for this... Nobody matters but me. Good night!
--------------------------------------------------- [Jack, Grace and Karen are at the laundromat]
Karen: Where are all the fish?
and
Karen: Poor people are so clever.
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?
Karen: [Cracking up] It's funny 'cause it's awkward!
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: [Reflectively, furrowing her eyebrows] I love Stan... Stan loves Ham... Ham I am!
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: Ok, rule number one - unless you happen to be served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Oh lord honey, you're just as simple as that blouse you're wearing --------------------------------------------------- Will is walking Grace down the aisle]
Will: This may be the wrong time to tell you this, but I'm straight.
Grace: Don't make me laugh, I'm being photographed. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Well don't let it get to your head, your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee. --------------------------------------------------- [Grace is wearing a very flamboyant dress] Jack: [To Grace] We need a good designer.
Karen: Do you know any?
Jack: ... Why isn't she speaking?
Karen: Because she's hypnotized by her own dress. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [running by] Hi Jack. Bye Jack.
Jack: Dad, was that you? --------------------------------------------------- Will: The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack: My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace: Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor. [Exits]
Jack: Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will: That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack: [Extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will: You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you? --------------------------------------------------- [Jack's mom thinks that Jack is straight and his ex-girlfriend was Grace]
Grace: We're all here for you, right Karen?
Karen: Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
Jack: What?
Karen: You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you?
Jack: But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie.
Karen: Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me.
Jack: You're married, I'm gay.
Karen: Not in the lie.
--------------------------------------------------- Will: [Furiously] Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of CRAZY! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Hey Poodle. Jack: Who's your daddy? Karen: You are. ---------------------------------------------------
[Jack brushes Will's leg]
Will: No, NO! I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack: [Pauses] Oh, no, Will, you poor thing. That wasn't sex. --------------------------------------------------- [Trying to start up her Uncle Jerry's old car]
Grace: Okay, here we go... that's weird. Will, what do you think is wrong?
Karen: Oh, my God. She just asked a Fairy an engine question. We're all gonna die in this car.
Will: Karen, you're not going to die. It would take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that. --------------------------------------------------- [Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it]
Ellen: You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway.
Grace: Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up?
Karen: Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job? --------------------------------------------------- [Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are meeting their crazy neighbours] Jack: Maybe they're nice. Will: Are you kidding? Jack, they look like the entire cast of Roseanne! --------------------------------------------------- [Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack: [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace: Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis: Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis: And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack: Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else? --------------------------------------------------- Jack: But weren't you saving "Sympathy for the Devil" for your fifth wedding?
Karen: Honey, that would be in bad taste. Fifth wedding is traditionally "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy. --------------------------------------------------- [To stepdaughter Olivia and her friends] Karen: I'm gonna go get us some beers... OH! What am I thinking? Light beers! ---------------------------------------------------
Karen: It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus...up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the draidel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.
--------------------------------------------------- [Will and Jack thing they've slept with each other] --------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------- [Karen is called to her stepchildren's school by the principal]
Karen: [As she leaves the office] You dragged me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious, call me when one of them gives birth at the prom! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... no. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [Reflectively] You know, maybe there is an alligator running around with me as a handbag... I mean who knows what they do with my old skin...
--------------------------------------------------- Cheryl: Mrs. Walker? Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom. Karen: I have no idea what you just said --------------------------------------------------- [Karen, after seeing Grace's outfits:] Karen: Honey, can I comment on those pilgrim pumps? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: First of all, the shoes go back on the May Flower. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [Her infamous pointing of the finger and squealing] Honey, what's this all about!
--------------------------------------------------- [ When going to visit Stan for the first time in prison, the warden asks for Karen's name and she says it but he doesn't hear her. He asks her again] Karen: I'm his bitch! I'm Stanley Walker's bitch, is that what you want to hear! --------------------------------------------------- [Lyle walks in to Grace and Karen's office.]
Lyle Finster: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle Finster: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Oh honey? Can I have a couple of seared Ahi salads?
Lady: I don't don't work here!
Karen: Um... that wasn't my question.
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: I'm a funny lesbian! Oh, I'm Ellen! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, I don't read, I'm read to.
--------------------------------------------------- [ At Will's house at Thanksgiving] Karen: I'm going to die here. Will's Mom: Anyone want martinis? Karen: Oh, and I've gone to heaven! --------------------------------------------------- [ At Jack's stepdads at Thanksgiving] Grace: I'm hungry.
Will: I'm thristy.
Karen: I could hump a tree. --------------------------------------------------- [Karen and Jack are trying to correct a fight between Will and Grace] ---------------------------------------------------
Karen: [To Will in his office] Aw, honey, are you still doing the law thing?
Will: Yes, are you still doing the 'I married for love thing'?
Karen: Ha, no!
--------------------------------------------------- Ben Doucette: You have till Friday, Will. Will: Friday... Like in Friday? Ben Doucette: No, Friday like in Thursday, but I'll give you till Friday. --------------------------------------------------- [At a dinner party Grace is throwing]
Grace: [Listing the couples] .....Karen and her drink.
Karen: [To her drink] Thank you for coming.....I love you! --------------------------------------------------- GRACE: Mmm. I love beer.
KAREN: Ain't it the greatest?
GRACE: Mm-hmm.
KAREN: Those people can drink this though, right? [Referring to AA'ers]
GRACE: No, nothing.
KAREN: Ha! Crazy world. --------------------------------------------------- [Referring to Will and Grace being married]
Will: Grace, do you want to sleep with me?
Grace: I'm sorry, I don't sleep with gay men.
Will: Oh, see, that's the problem. I do. --------------------------------------------------- [Karen is showing her breasts to a woman]
Grace: Karen, what are you doing?
Karen: She started it.
Grace: Karen, she's breast feeding.
Karen: Oh... That would explain the little bald man. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, even Patty Hearst couldn't pull off a beret, and she had money. . .and a gun. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [At a bar] Martini, honey, but don't waste any space with those olives.
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: We could fill the tub with alcohol and pretend we are olives. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Oh, Honey. You're simple, you're shallow and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates --------------------------------------------------- Karen: OH MY GOD. The talking cookies are back!!! --------------------------------------------------- Kren: Nice outfit, Grace. That reminds me, I need to buy Kool-Aid. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [To Lorraine at Stanley's funeral] I'd like you to eat me. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Do you have a mint?
Lady: Yes, its in my purse.
Karen: What's it doin' in your purse, pop it already!
Lady: You are so rude!
Karen: Hey, its your breath, not mine.
Grace: I'm so sorry, she has a heart condition: she doesn't have one. --------------------------------------------------- [Grace walks in with a black and white patterned (cowhide print) skirt]
Karen: Got skirt? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, the last time I apologized to someone it was court-ordered. --------------------------------------------------- [Talking about a book they're both reading]
Karen: I don't understand the part where she's fighting with her husband and then wakes up spooning the maid.
Will: That wasn't the book, that was you.
Karen: [Giggles] Oh yeah. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: What's going on? What's happening? What is this? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: You know what's funny? Poor people with big dreams. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: Face it Karen, your a racist.
Karen: How dare you call me a racist! A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't. But nobody calls me a racist. [Starts to leave, then, turnin] And you can ask anyone I own! --------------------------------------------------- Jack: You're a witch, and I hope a house falls on you!
Karyn: Up yours Dorothy!
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: [ Whenever she sees the help] I can see you/ I'm approaching! [ They scatter away] --------------------------------------------------- Jack: Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Will.
Karen: He's a leguuuuume.
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: Aww, poor Jackie. As I once asked Celine Dion: why the long face? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I can't drink another bite --------------------------------------------------- [ Will and Karen are at the library.] Karen: Oh, I cant remember which book I hid the booze behind... Will: Karen, this isn't your house-- Karen: Oh here it is! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: My mother's crazy, that's why I had her committed. Well, she's not as crazy, as so much as she really bugs me... yeah, she's a bitch! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Here I am on ther 21st floor wearing no pants.....again. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [To Beverly Leslie] Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies? Karen: Gosh, I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: 'Errands', they're like mini adventures for poor people. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, please, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [ Matter-of-factly] You guys know how I'm into gangsta rap, right? --------------------------------------------------- Karen : Honey, I may not be a wiz at the...
Grace : 'Fax'
Karen : ... Or be any good on...
Grace : 'Photocopier'
Karen : ... Or...
Grace : 'Phone'
Karen : Well, honey, I would have got that one! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I'm sorry you must have mistaken me for some one else, my name is Anastasia Beverhoussen. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: So how did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I'm not good or real... I'm evil, and imaginary. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up a card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: I can't remember.
Karen: Tada!
Jack: That is so freaky, Karen. How did you do that?
Karen: Oh, sorry, honey. A magician, like a prostitute, never reveals her tricks. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I'll never forget it, my fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and suddenly the lights went out, the elevator dropped and Dennis Hopper said he would kill us if his demands weren't met. Thank god Keanu Reeves was there to get us out.
--------------------------------------------------- Jack: Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob? Karen: It's only smaller when its scared. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Vodka: it's not just a breakfast drink anymore. --------------------------------------------------- [Karen and Will are pretending to be mad at each other so Jack won't get jealous.]
Will : Bitch
Karen: Witch
Will : Ho
Karen: Mo! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I consciously made an effort to occasionally show up for work...
--------------------------------------------------- Karen: I have half a mind to throw this drink right in your face! [Takes a long gulp]
---------------------------------------------------
Karen: Oh honey, you're always the life of the party. Oh, speaking of parties, would you like me to "RSTD" to Moe and Mary's? Grace: Uh, I don't know Karen, I'm really not in the party mood. Karen: There'll be a nice cake. Grace: I do like a nice cake. Jack: You sure you don't want to go to Joe and Larry's kid's party? You'll tower over people. Will: I do like to feel tall. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [on hiring Jack to play a straight man in a commercial] No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large. Kevin Bacon: But you fingered this guy. Jack: I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud. Kevin Bacon: You... you're my stalker. Jack: I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing? --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Well honey, look on the bright side. Grace: What bright side? Karen: Jeez honey it's just an expression. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: Look, my choices were flawless, and if your client can't see that, then he is guilty of extremely bad taste, and isn't that the real crime here today?
Will: Gracie, there is no...
Grace: Objection. The familiar cutening of my name implies we like each other. Karen: Grace Alden. I'm ashamed...
Grace: Adler. My last name is Adler.
Karen: Oh... That's pretty. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: This would be us three weeks into marriage: [Turning to Will] 'Will, I'm having an affair'. Will: 'Me too'. Grace: 'His name's Donald'. Will: 'Me too!' --------------------------------------------------- Grace: What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
Karen: What?
Grace: Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that...
Karen: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction." --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty! --------------------------------------------------- [ Karen and Jack are trying to correct a fight between Will and Grace] Jack: So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think. Karen: Pretend to care, pretend to care. Jack: Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together. Karen: Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party. Jack: Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace. Karen: Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like? Jack: Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake. Karen: Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake? [ takes a sip of wine] Karen: Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party. [ pauses] Karen: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Jack: I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you? Karen: Okay that's just freaky. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: I was just out of college. I was broken. It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?" --------------------------------------------------- Jack: You're caring and loving... Will: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Jack: No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that? --------------------------------------------------- [ Karen and Nathan meet in the elavator for the first time] Karen: Going down? Nathan: You get right to the point. Karen: [ Thinks for a minute] I like you. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: You say potato, I say vodka. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: It's not something you can just run away from like a hotel bill or a crying baby. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Sorry I'm late. Oh God, that sounded insincere... I'm late! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it! --------------------------------------------------- Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay. Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay? Grace: My dog knew. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: You know what my Aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now? Will: "Why the hell did my parents name me Pescha"? --------------------------------------------------- Jack: [mimicking phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah. he's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times." OK. OK, OK. OK. I love you, too. Bye-bye. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency. --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [when her mom tells her that Will can't sleep in her room] Mom! This isn't fair! Bobbi Adler: Well neither is my cottage cheese ass! Grace: Why is that your answer to everything? --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [right after Will comes out] "Hindsight"? Is that one of your gay words? --------------------------------------------------- Grace: [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not "One look at you proves I'm a queer"! --------------------------------------------------- Jack: [to Will over the phone before Will comes out] Well, if you're wanting to make muskrat love with your girlfriend, why are you on the phone with me? Will: [silent] Jack: Yeah. I thought so. You're my new best friend; call me every five seconds! --------------------------------------------------- Jack: [to Will, trying to get him to admit he's gay] You're Marvin Gay! And let me tell you, there ain't no closet big enough! --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: [rolls eyes and does so] --------------------------------------------------- Karen: [sympathetically] Oh, Grace... Grace: What? Karen: Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace". --------------------------------------------------- Cheryl: I think you are awful. Karen: Oh yeah? Well I think stretch pants are awful, but I am too much of a lady to say it, FAT ASS. [to Jack] Karen: Could you believe that? [scoffs] Karen: Some people, so tactless. --------------------------------------------------- Karen: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to. --------------------------------------------------- Liz: Okay so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding down like my last roommate cuz that is just f-ed up. Karen: Well you don't have to worry about me Liz, I intend to pull my own weight around here. Liz: Now did you take a look at the chore wheel? Cuz you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower. Karen: Wow, how did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words. Liz: Karen you shouldn't of bought this cheesecake I'm like totally eating healthy this week. Ugh! Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake. Karen: Oh Liz, I love when you do "cut to me". Liz: Everybody does. Karen: [pulling out a jug of wine] Oh Lizzy, I rented us a video Liz: You are gonna get me into so much trouble. Karen: If you're lucky! Liz: You're crazy! Karen: Like a fox! Liz: I doubt it! Karen: You wish! Liz: Don't I ever! Karen: You and what army? [Karen has a huge laugh] Karen: Oh Lizzy. --------------------------------------------------- Jack: ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!
--------------------------------------------------- Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven. Grace: Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- Karen: I think you're missing the silver lining here. When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you away from chiffon and backlighting. ---------------------------------------------------
Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?
--------------------------------------------------- Grace: Ok, here's the Thanksgiving menu so far: apple pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry tart, and ice-cream roll. What am I missing?... Cake. We need cake. Will: Did you take a bong hit before you wrote that? --------------------------------------------------- Will: Ow.
Grace: What?
Will: Could we talk about your toenails?
Grace: I'm sorry. I'll cut them.
Will: Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators?
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other_crap's journal
